In the Presence of Angels
by Wicked Wonder
Summary: In the darkest times, there are angels unaware... Slash
1. 1

BMW

"In the Presence of Angels"

Summary: Even in the darkest times, there are angels unaware...

Rating: R (strong themes, situations, language, slashiness)

Warning: That above rating isn't a joke. Without giving plot points away, the things contained in here might disturb you (as well they should).  And this one is as deep and angsty as I can go without a license.

Disclaimer: See, if I owned them, things like this wouldn't happen. However, the things that would... *tries evil smirk again*

Setting: Right after the series finale (and after Cory, Topanga, Shawn and Eric go to New York)

Series/ Sequel: This is an unofficial sequel to "Slip Away". You don't have to read that to understand this, though.

One last note: I'm still working on the other chaptered stories, so don't shoot! This has been sitting on my hard drive for a while, and I finally feel comfortable in sharing it. Thanks to the Wicked group for their support, and to Sugar and Trey in particular.

Feedback: Will soothe cranky babies, and me. Take that how you want. Vixxxen@rocketmail.com

For: The real Kat...

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1.

"WE SHOULD do something," Shawn announced.

Eric, who had been busy unpacking boxes that had just arrived, stuck his head out of the bedroom that they shared. "'Kay. What should we do?"

"Let's go to a club. We've been in New York for three weeks and we haven't seen anything except for the Smithsonian, and that was by accident."

"Have a particular one in mind?"

"Yeah. There's this one that they're always talking about at work. They say that it's the hottest thing in town."

Eric smiled, but then frowned just as quickly. "Not to be all party-poopery, but how are you, and Cory and Topanga, if we invite them, going to get in?"

"Oh, don't worry. It's an 18-and-over club. We'll have to wear the big dorky bracelets, but we can all go."

"Great! Do you want me to call our favorite married couple?"

"Sure."

As Eric dialed, Shawn went into the bedroom and came out wearing a silk shirt and some black chinos. When Eric spotted him, he gave him the thumbs up while continuing to fill Cory in.

"Wait. I don't even know what the name of the place is! I'll let you talk to Shawn." He passed Shawn the phone as he went to go find something suitable to dance in. Despite his reputation for silliness, Eric really liked to dance and took it seriously- sometimes.

He had finally selected a metallic shirt with some leather pants- both in this unreal reddish-brown color- and went back into the mini living room to sit on the couch. Shawn, who was lounging on the other end of the sofa, whistled admiringly.

"You're trying to knock someone dead, aren't you?"

"Thanks." Eric pretended to preen before he set his boots on the coffee table.

"Oh, there is one thing I didn't tell you about this club." Shawn studied his nails and tried to look nonchalant. "All of my friends who recommend it- Ron, Taylor, Wally..."

"Wait a minute," Eric interrupted. "Aren't those the ones who..."

Shawn looked up, grinning. "Yep."

"You're taking us to a gay bar!" Eric leapt up and danced in place. "All right!"

"So, you'll have fun tonight, Cory and Topanga won't even care, and who knows? Maybe I'll find someone for me. And it's not really a gay bar, per se. It's really more of an anything goes club."

"Cool..." Eric's voice drifted off, thinking of the possibilities.

*******

Two years.

That's how long it took for Eric to realize that moping over his best friend might not, in fact, be a case of jealousy.

All through Eric's dating Rachel, and _Jack's_ dating Rachel, there had been a sense of competition between the two men. Once both of the men stopped seeing her, though, all bets were off. They spent most of their time together, causing most of their friends to joke that they were an old married couple. Jack would always laugh it off, but Eric would always have a moment of serious thought before he would snap out of it and give himself the same statement,_ Thou shall not covet thy best friend's ass, even if it is hellacious._

Two months.

That's how long it took for Eric to realize that watching Jack leave was going to be one of the hardest things he ever did in his life.

As he watched Jack board his plane, happily unaware of any lustful thoughts directed his way, Eric decided two things. One, he was going to get over Jack. There was no sense mooning over someone who didn't even know about his feelings, and probably wouldn't return them if he knew.

Two, he was telling everyone about himself. He had tried to convince himself that his feelings for Jack were just an aberration, but when he caught himself reading Abercrombie and Fitch catalogues, (and not for the girls), he realized that something was a little different in Ericland, and in his usual fashion, ran to embrace the difference.

Two weeks.

That's how long it took for Eric to actually work up the nerve to make good on the second decision that he had made.

The first person he told was Shawn. He had planned a whole scenario, where they both sat down calmly and discussed things like rational adults. Unfortunately, sometimes Eric and rational didn't coexist. He blurted out one day, "I'mgayandifyoudon'twanttosharetheapartmentanymore..."

Shawn held up a hand. It was early Saturday morning and neither of them was fully awake yet.

"Okay, the only thing I got out of that statement was 'apartment'. Please slow it down for those of us who don't live in the land of Eric."

"I said, I'm gay and if you don't want to share the apartment anymore, I understand."

Shawn poured his cereal and the coffee. He inhaled them both quickly, and then went to put his dishes in the sink. He was in the act of rinsing when the news apparently traveled from his ears to his brain. He dropped the dishes promptly and sat back down at the table.

"You're gay? Damn, I lost."

"What?"

"Oh, Angela and I bet $50 on who would come out first. I put money against you." Shawn got up from the table.

Eric sat there, as confused as he was when the whole conversation had started, but somewhat relieved. At least he still had an apartment...

Two hours.

That's how long it took for Eric's life to do a complete 180 and change forever.

*******

Cory and Topanga came over and all of them walked to the club. As Shawn had said, it really was an anything goes club. They were early enough where no one was being turned away at the door yet. They paid the cover and sailed on in. Inside, people were on the dance floor, but there was plenty of room. Eric went up to the bar and ordered a whisky sour while Shawn, Cory, and Topanga got soft drinks.

"Okay, I want to dance," Eric said after he finished his drink.

"So do I." Shawn eyed two girls who were grinding on each other. "Think I'll go see if they need someone to be in the middle."

As he walked over to the girls, Topanga turned to Cory. "Do you want to dance?"

"Not if I have a choice..." Cory started warily.

"Look, I'll dance with you, then we'll make your husband dance, all right?" Eric waited for Topanga's nod to go onto the dance floor.

The two danced closely, but not touching. "Look, I'll slip the DJ some money, and maybe he'll play something slow enough for Cory to feel comfortable." Eric suggested.

Topanga smacked her head. "Why didn't I think of that? Thanks Eric." She immediately walked off the dance floor, leaving Eric alone.

As he turned to walk off the dance floor, Shawn tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, the girls said they were good. So, wanna dance?"

Eric shrugged and let himself move to the beat again. He looked around the room briefly before watching Shawn dance. He took in what Shawn was doing and matched so that they were dipping and turning in unison. They danced for about three songs and stopped to grab something else to drink. They joined Cory and Topanga at a table with drinks in hand and sat down. "So, did you two dance yet?" Eric asked, fanning himself.

"No. This music requires an advanced degree in funk." Cory looked sheepishly at his wife.

"So, where would you get this degree? The University of Funkology?" Shawn laughed.

"Never mind. Anyway, when did you guys start dancing together?"

"Hey, you jealous? 'Cause I could dance with you next." Shawn quipped.

"Think I have to pass. See," Cory dropped his voice, "I have an old lady."

Eric and Shawn both fell out as Topanga hit Cory without even looking in his direction.

After they finished their drinks, everyone, including Cory, hit the dance floor. Shawn found a girl and they stayed together for the rest of the night. Eric switched partners frequently, dancing with both males and females and having a great time.

"Okay guys, ready to call it a night?" Cory asked, the next time they stopped for a breather.

"Sure, if everyone else is," Eric said, after leaving his latest partner, David, on the floor.

"I don't want to, but work calls in the morning," Topanga sighed regretfully.

"Same here. Just let me give my number to Kat." Shawn patted his pants for a pen and smiled gratefully when Topanga handed him one.

"So, that's the lucky girl's name?" Cory said teasingly.

"Well, her full name is Katriana, but she says to call her Kat for short."

"I would too," Topanga mused.

"Yeah, because Topanga is such a short name." Eric said.

"Hey, she's got a syllable on me!"

As they paid the bar tab, Eric said, "Hold on guys, my teeth are floating. Be back." As he started walking towards the back, where the restrooms were, he smiled at one of his earlier partners. The man smiled back, and Eric kept going, not noticing that another man was following him.

*****

"Man, could Eric could be any slower? It's been a half hour already! And it's not like I can just run back inside the club and see what's up." Cory eyed the line, now snaking around the sidewalk.

"Well, maybe we could flash our bracelets and just go back in." Topanga suggested.

"We'd have to pay another cover," Shawn pointed out.

As they stood there, an ambulance came zooming up. As it stopped in front of the club and paramedics started jumping out, the gang stared in amazement.

"Glad that we're not in there now," Cory commented to no one in particular.

"Hope that Eric comes out before everything gets too crazy," Topanga said, as the paramedics rushed past the waiting crowd, to the dismay of the people in line.

They waited impatiently as the paramedics came back out with someone on a gurney. As the gang watched the person being loaded up on the stretcher, they stopped in their tracks, staring. Cory was the first to react. Without saying anything, he ran up to the stretcher and grabbed the hand of the person on it.

"Eric?"

Eric shook off his hand and groaned, eyes tightly closed. The paramedics loaded the gurney into the ambulance and began to shout out orders. One stopped and said, "We're taking him to Cedars, so if you meet us there, you can give us his information."

As the ambulance took off, Cory came back to where Shawn and Topanga were standing, still in shock. "He's going to Cedars, they said."

"What's wrong? Did they say what was wrong?" Topanga asked frantically.

Cory shook his head. "We need to get there so that they can get some information."

"Where is Cedars at?" Shawn said, starting to head toward the subway station.

"Excuse me."

Shawn swung around and saw the girl that he had danced with earlier. "Oh, Kat. Um, do you know where Cedars hospital is?"

Katriana nodded. "I can take you there, if you like."

"We'd appreciate it." Shawn motioned to his friends.

"Okay, follow me."

They went to a parking lot, where a nondescript brown car awaited. "Hop in. Don't be alarmed by my driving, all right?"

She peeled off and drove swiftly and calmly, contradicting her running commentary. She got them to the hospital about twenty minutes later, good timing considering the traffic.

The gang jumped out as Kat said to Shawn, "I'm going to park and then I'll meet you in there."

"You don't have to," Shawn started.

"I know, but I'm concerned about your friend, and besides, how will you get home?" Katriana said sensibly.

At a loss for words, Shawn nodded as she pulled away from the curb. He went inside the hospital, where Cory and Topanga were already at the information desk. Shawn ran up to join them.

"They said that he's still in emergency, so we should just have a seat, and they'll call us." Cory reported.

"Did they need to get information from you?" Shawn asked.

"No, they said that they had gotten everything they needed from Eric."

"Did... did they say what was wrong?" Shawn asked, more quietly.

"No." Topanga turned to go sit in the waiting room. "They said that he would have to tell us himself."

As they waited, Katriana came in and sat quietly next to Shawn. For a while, they all sat there silently. Topanga clutched Cory's hands tightly. Shawn tried thumbing through an old magazine, but stopped when he found himself reading the sentence over and over.

After what seemed like hours of waiting, Eric came out from the trauma room. He was moving slowly with none of his trademark energy.

The group rose to meet him. Cory was the first to meet him. He reached out a tentative hand to touch Eric and watched as Eric flinched visibly.

"So, are we ready to go? Eric, do you need to go to the pharmacy?" Topanga spoke up carefully.

"Um, yeah." He pulled out a folded paper. "They gave me a list of things..." his voice trailed off as he looked at Katriana. "Aren't you the girl from the club?"

"Yeah. Listen, there's a pharmacy near here. If you want, I'll take you there." Katriana looked at Eric and nodded without waiting for an answer. She began walking out of the hospital and everyone followed her slowly.

In the car, everyone was silent. Cory, Shawn, and Topanga kept sneaking looks at Eric, who was staring out of the window, oblivious to them.

At the pharmacy, Eric got out of the car before anyone could ask him if he needed help. As he walked into the store, Cory said softly, "Something's wrong. I mean, really wrong."

"I think we all can see that. I mean, I'm not expecting Eric to start leaping around like usual, but whatever happened to him must have been really bad." Topanga stared at the entrance like she wanted it to show her the answers.

After Eric came back out, still oddly quiet, they drove home, with Shawn giving quiet directions to Katriana. She dropped Cory and Topanga off first, with Shawn promising to call them when he and Eric arrived home. Ten minutes later, Katriana pulled up to their building and let them out.

"Okay, well, thanks again," Shawn said awkwardly, about to climb out.

"You're welcome. Call me, all right?" She smiled slightly at Shawn, and then looked over at Eric, who was climbing out of the car slowly. "Goodbye, Eric."

"Bye. Thanks," he replied over his shoulder, not looking at her as he closed the car door and walked into his apartment building.

Shawn waved at Katriana as she pulled away from the curb. Long after she pulled off, he stood there watching her, wondering how a night that had started off so promising ended the way it did.

***

_He wished that he was susceptible to short-term memory loss. His mind, though, not only recorded everything vividly, but also ever so helpfully slowed everything down. So he felt himself falling to the ground, which seemed to take two hours. Once he finally hit the ground, his body was on slow motion and he couldn't react fast enough to move as the man landed heavily on his back. As his pants were pushed roughly down, he gave a passing thought to fighting, but as he struggled, the man suddenly pressed something cold (metallic?) against his neck and whispered softly, "If you don't fight, I might let you go." He dragged the object against his neck. "Maybe."_

_As he felt his skin tear, and then the burning pain, he thought wildly that it wasn't supposed to happen like this. There was supposed to be someone that he had been with and loved for a long time (Jack) and that they would be both be nervous, but happy that they were together._

_As he lay there, feeling the weight smother and suffocate him during what was undoubtedly the worst moment of his life, as he wished for death, all he could think was that it wasn't supposed to happen like this._

"Eric!"

Eric shot up in his bed, panting. He turned frightened eyes to Shawn, but calmed down once he realized who it was. "What man?" he replied groggily.

"You were having a nightmare," Shawn said patiently. "You started screaming and kicking, and I didn't want you to hurt yourself." Shawn sat up in his bed. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I... don't remember what it was about," Eric lied, swinging his legs over the side of his bed and standing up. "Okay, I guess I'll go watch some TV or something. Sorry for waking you up."

Instead of making some kind of joke about it, Shawn nodded seriously. "It's okay. If you feel like talking though, I'm here."

As usual, when someone pushed a little too hard, Eric felt the rage that was never too below the surface bubble up inside of him. Before he could starting yelling at Shawn (which he had, a few times before) he took a large breath, said between clenched teeth, "I'm fine," and shut the bedroom door before Shawn could reply.

Sitting on the couch, he turned on the television and scanned the channels. There were plenty of infomercials on, and he finally settled on one at random and stared at it, not paying attention, lost in his own thoughts.

The same dream had been repeating for a few weeks now. Eric could barely admit to himself that it wasn't exactly a dream, more like a remembered experience, so he couched it in terms like nightmares and dreams. Every time he had the dream, getting back to sleep for the night was impossible, so he would come and watch television until he could start getting ready for work. These days, he felt like he was an observer in his own life, watching it pass him by.

He stared at the commercial for the same vacuum sealer three times in a row before the sun started making an appearance in the room. As it did, he turned off the TV and got into the bathroom and out before Shawn made an appearance. After dressing quickly, he made some coffee and was sitting at the table drinking it when Shawn finally emerged from the bedroom.

"Hi," Shawn croaked, sitting at the table.

Eric, out of habit, pushed the coffee pot and a mug with sugar and cream already in it toward Shawn. Shawn waved a hand in thanks and drank two cups before he even looked over at Eric.

"Did you get back to sleep?" he asked.

"No," Eric replied briefly. He got up from the table, rinsed his coffee mug, and went back into the bedroom to grab what he needed for work. "See you."

"Bye. Have a good day."

As Eric walked to the subway, hyper-aware of his surroundings, he thought about how much he dreaded the subway. Before everything had happened, he hadn't really minded, but now felt extremely claustrophobic and nervous, although he wasn't sure why. It wasn't like anything had ever happened to him on the subway. But the feeling of tension knotted his belly with every step that he took. Finally feeling as if he was going to pass out if he went any further, he stopped and realized that there was no way he was getting on the subway today. He turned around and walked back to the apartment, hoping that Shawn had already left for class.

As he turned to go up in the elevator, a sudden fear came over him. Shaking slightly, he stepped off the elevator and took the stairs up the six flights to the apartment. Breathing a little heavily, he turned the key in the lock and let himself in, feeling grateful that the apartment was empty. Setting down his backpack, he went over to the phone and dialed.

"Mc Parker," the voice answered.

"Mr Mc Parker? This is Eric Matthews. I'm sorry to do this to you, but I'm... sick," he said, hoping that Mr Mc Parker wouldn't notice the slight hesitation, "But I can come in if you really need me." Just saying the words made his stomach turn at the thought of actually getting on the subway.

"No, it's fine, Eric. You have been looking a little peaked. Look, I want you to take the rest of the week off, okay? Get some rest. And I'll see you bright and early on Monday, alright?"

"Okay, Mr Mc Parker. Thanks again."

"No problem." His boss hung up the phone, and Eric gently set the phone on the base. Going into the bedroom and shedding his clothes, he got into his bed and pulled the covers over his head, hoping to ward off nightmares in the way a child hopes to ward off monsters. He lay there, shivering for many moments, before exhaustion took over his body.


	2. 2

2.

Shawn felt as if he was walking on eggshells.

He had seen that expression years before, in an old book that he had read. He didn't understand it at first- how could you walk on eggshells? were they on the floor? and why didn't someone just sweep them up? but now he knew exactly what the saying meant- trying to get through the day without breaking, or being broken yourself.

The goofy, silly, always fun to be around Eric that he had came with to New York with was gone. In his place was a sullen, angry man that called himself Eric. This man didn't walk like Eric, didn't speak like Eric, and he certainly didn't act like him. As far as Shawn could tell, the only thing that the two had in common was the face and the name.

Shawn always observed people around him. It was a thing that he had absorbed a long time before- always know what the people around you are up to. So he noticed how Eric never took the elevator anymore, how he despised the subway and now took the bus to work, even though it was a longer ride. How he flinched from human contact, even though he tried to hide that fact. How he never ate anymore, unless Shawn goaded him into it. So Shawn watched this man, who he referred to privately as Not-Eric, walk around the apartment as opposed to bouncing. He missed his friend with an ache that was almost physical.

One day, Shawn woke up, and looked over at Not-Eric, who was asleep, but not peacefully. Even dreaming, his face was contorted into a grimace, and every so often, he would groan, or shift restlessly.

Finally, Shawn had had enough and got out of his bed. Slipping on a pair of pants and a shirt, he closed the bedroom door. Grabbing a pair of shoes, his keys, and his wallet, he quietly walked out of the apartment and to a place that he knew well.

The place itself was non-descript, a small entrance in a large building that housed an assortment of businesses. Shawn went into it and climbed three flights of stairs and then walked down a corridor until he came to the place he was looking for. There was no label on the door, but Shawn knew exactly what to expect.

As he entered quietly, he noticed that a meeting was already in session. Not wanting to disturb them, he sat down and listened as the people talked about what they had came there for.

After most of the people had left, he approached the person that had led the meeting, Dan. Dan turned and smiled genuinely. "Hello, Shawn. I don't usually see you today."

"Yeah, well, I really needed someone to talk to and I didn't think that I could wait until group."

"You know I'm always here to talk. Would you like some coffee?" At Shawn's head shake, he continued, "The next meeting starts in an hour, so until then, I'm all yours." Dan crossed the room and locked the door. "So, spill your guts."

"It's about the guy I talked about last meeting," Shawn began hesitantly. "I don't think that he's telling me the whole truth."

"Are you talking about your roommate?" Shawn nodded. "Well, what did he tell you?"

"He told us that someone had tried to take his wallet, but he fought back, and the guy didn't like that too well. That's a good explanation, but there's still too many clues that aren't adding up."

"Like?"

Shawn briefly detailed Eric's new personality, his aversion to enclosed spaces, and the other things that had changed about him. "He's not the same person at all," Shawn finished, staring down at his hands. "I'm just worried about him."

"It's good to be concerned about others, but how is it making you feel, Shawn? I know you wouldn't open up about this if it didn't upset you in some way."

Shawn heard the unspoken question. "Yeah, I'm upset, because he's my friend, but... I'm together. See?" He pushed the sleeves of his long shirt up. Other than the old scar on his left arm that he had, and always would, his arms were unblemished.

"I wasn't doubting that. But... how are you inside?"

"Scared," Shawn admitted. "I'm scared that he'll do something like I did, because that's not the way to deal with things."

"Have you talked to him about your fear?"

"I've tried, I really have, but he's more likely to snap at me than to listen to me nowadays." Shawn sighed and slumped in his chair. "Well, it didn't help me to find a solution, but it did help to talk. Thanks, Dan."

Dan clapped his shoulder briefly. "Anytime. You staying for the next meeting?"

"I would like to, but I can't," Shawn said regretfully. "I have to get to class today. But I'll be here tomorrow for group."

"Okay, see you then." Dan walked Shawn to the door.

As Shawn left the building, feeling slightly better than he had, he wondered what his next move should be.

***

Eric had never been one to cry. Of course, up until now, he'd never really had a good reason to cry.

He just told himself that there was always a silver lining to the cloud, but now the rain seemed to be never-ending.

Every night, he had the same dream- that he was in a well that was dark and cold. He would try climbing toward the faint light, but the walls were slippery, and he never could get enough purchase to make any progress. He felt that the dream accurately portrayed how he felt now.

When he woke up from the dream, a sense of hopelessness would fill him. He would think to himself that this would be the day that he finally broke down and let the tears he always felt flow, but they remained where they were, in a leaden ball he could feel in his heart.

He knew that his friends and family were concerned about him. Whenever he went home, which wasn't often, his mother would cluck over him and try to get him to eat endless amounts of food that tasted like sawdust to him. His father always let him know that there was always a position open for him at the store. Cory and Topanga tried to get him to do things with them, which he always declined. And Shawn... Shawn was the person who had to deal with him day in and day out, which couldn't be easy. Sometimes Eric didn't feel like dealing with himself. But Shawn was always there, offering support even when Eric didn't want it. 

Eric shook his head at his thoughts, and then got out of bed, glad that Shawn had Saturday classes. He dressed quickly, and absentmindedly, not bothering to note that he had to tighten his belt another notch. He grabbed his wallet and keys, and left the apartment. He ran down the stairs, and emerged at the bottom only slightly out of breath.

He started walking determinedly, not noting any of the things around him. The walk was only about fifteen minutes from his apartment, and before long, he was looking up at the building that he planned to enter. He hesitated briefly, then entered with the same focus that he had shown on the way there. 

He had to take the elevator up- it was too long for stairs, even for him- and the elevator was cramped, which didn't make him feel any less uncomfortable, but the ride didn't take long, and he was soon standing on the observation deck, overlooking most of New York from the Empire State Building. 

He stared aimlessly at the cityscape, not noticing the children laughing around him, or even the cars that looked like toys on the blocks down below. Instead, he thought about how high up he was, like no one would ever touch him again, because he was out of their reach. He rather liked that idea. As usual, his thoughts turned darker. He stared down and wondered idly if he decided to climb the security wiring and just... stand there, in the open, would anyone stop him? Would anyone care?

He briefly entertained the thought of weightlessness, and how it would feel to be surrounded only by air.

He stood there for a while longer, feeling the wind pull at his face long after it had turned numb from the cold. He only snapped out of it when the sun started to sink lower in the sky, and he belatedly remembered that he had neglected to grab a jacket before leaving the apartment. He turned to leave, after taking one last glance. He knew that he would come back tomorrow.


	3. 3

3.

"I'm scared," Shawn said abruptly.

Cory, who had been in the middle of taking a bite of his cereal, stopped, spoon in midair. "Excuse me?"

"About Eric," Shawn explained softly.

Cory put his spoon down, food forgotten. "Why? What happened now?"

"Nothing, as far as I know," Shawn began uncertainly. "It's just, we never knew what was wrong... what happened in the first place. He's still not eating, even though he swears up and down that he is. He's still having those nightmares, and not sleeping. And the other day, I had something to tell him, and I came and touched him on his shoulders. You would have thought that I had hit him, he flinched so bad." Shawn stopped, brow wrinkled in thought. "What if..." he dropped his voice, "he was... never mind."

Cory looked at his best friend in growing understanding. "You think that night. You think he was raped."

The last phrase hung in the air. Finally Shawn said flatly, "Yeah, I do."

"Well, what do we do now? I mean, we can't make him tell us if he doesn't want to."

"I know. Believe me. But, I guess that I'll just keep doing what I've been doing. But... he's really starting to scare me." Shawn paused again and said softly, "It's his eyes."

"His eyes?" Cory repeated. "What about them?"

"Cory, his eyes are... dead. There's no emotion behind them. He used to be angry- at me, at everything- all the time, but I can't remember the last time that he even got mad."

"I still don't know what to do," Cory said. "Should I... should I call Mom and Dad?"

"I don't think that would help if he still doesn't want to talk about it." Shawn sighed deeply and stood up from the table. "I just don't know. I really don't know how to help."

As he turned to put his dishes in the sink, the phone rang. Shawn watched Cory expectantly as he answered it. "Hello? Oh, hi, Rachel." Cory shot a look at Shawn, and Shawn shrugged at him, not knowing why Rachel would be calling. "Um, he's over here, with me. Is something wrong?" Cory listened for a few moments, and then handed the phone to Shawn. 

Shawn took it and greeted Rachel tentatively. She started speaking rapidly. "Look, I don't have much time. Like I told Cory, Jack's coming... I would say home, but he's coming to see you. In New York."

"What?" Shawn said numbly, having not understood anything Rachel had just said.

"Jack's coming to New York. Like, today."

"Why? What's going on?"

"Look, all I'm doing is giving you a heads up. His flight arrives at LaGuardia around 6 tonight. Can you meet him?"

"Um, alright," Shawn agreed, fumbling for a pencil to write down the information. Cory wordlessly handed him a pen and Shawn jotted down the flight number and gate on a napkin. After Rachel was done, she said briskly, "Okay. Thanks again for doing this. Take care and tell everyone I said hi."

"Okay. Rachel, what's-" He stopped speaking when he heard the dial tone. He turned back to Cory, who had the same look of confusion that he had on his own face. "So, do you have any clue of what's going on here?"

"No. Rachel just said that she needed to get a hold of you right away, and if I could tell her where you were."

"Well, she said that Jack's flying in tonight, and all she would tell me was his flight information. So I guess that I'll be going to LaGuardia later. Want to come with?"

"Can't. Topanga's got a late class, so I'm in charge of dinner and the like."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Maybe I can convince Eric to come with me."

"Think he might?"

"Let me call and ask him." Cory handed Shawn the phone and Shawn quickly dialed. 

"Hello?" Eric's scratchy voice answered.

"Eric? Hey, it's Shawn. Are you busy tonight?"

"No," he replied shortly.

"Well, I have to go to the airport around 6. Wanna go?"

"I guess."

"Okay. Well, I have some stuff to do, and then I'll swing by the apartment around 5 or so."

"Sounds good."

"Well, bye." Shawn hung up and said, "Well, he's going. Maybe Jack can help if we can't."

*****

The airport was busy and crowded, as usual. Eric looked around him carefully as the hordes of people pushed up to him, and he had to take a deep breath before catching up to Shawn, who was striding confidently.

As they got to the gate, they noticed that the airplane personnel were already deplaning, so that meant that they were late. "Hope that Jack stayed put," Shawn muttered.

"He should've. After all, he's never seen the apartment, so it's not like he could have just gone to it." Eric fell silent as he scanned the crowd. His gaze kept returning to a scrawny man who was sitting by himself in the waiting area, but the man was too skinny to be Jack. At least, that's what Eric thought, until the man stood up and came over to him and Shawn.

As the man came closer, Eric could see that it was Jack, but that he had lost a considerable amount of weight. His cheekbones were pronounced, and he looked haggard. Then he said, "Hey guys!" and sounded exactly the same. Eric felt the tension he had about Jack loosen up.

"Jack!" Shawn said, either not noticing Jack's appearance or choosing to ignore it. "Good to see you." They embraced quickly before Jack turned to Eric.

"Eric, man," Jack said in almost a whisper, before grabbing Eric and squeezing. Eric was torn between pushing Jack away and holding him tighter. They stayed together for long moments before Shawn cleared his throat and said in a falsely cheerful voice, "Well, we'd better get back to the apartment!" 

Eric and Jack slowly let go, but not before squeezing the other a little tighter. "Um, so, where are your bags?" Eric finally asked.

"This is it," Jack replied, indicating his duffle. "I'm used to traveling light."

"Okay." The three of them quickly exited the airport, hailing the first taxi they saw, and making back to the apartment in record time.

"So, this is the living room/kitchen/dining room," Shawn pointed out, "And the bathroom's that way, and there's the bedroom. Grand tour's over. Now, I have to run. There's food in the fridge and all. See you later." Shawn left, leaving Jack and Eric still standing in front of the couch.

"Um. Well, wanna eat?" Eric offered.

"Not hungry. Why don't we just, I dunno, catch up."

"Okay, well, you go first."

Jack sat quietly for a while, looking down at his folded hands on his lap. Then he looked up, staring aimlessly into space. "I don't know what all Rach told you guys," he started hesitantly, "but here's what happened basically."

"Rachel didn't tell us anything, except that we needed to pick you up from the airport," Eric interjected quietly.

Jack nodded at that and then continued, "Well, it started almost right after we shipped out. You know we were stationed in Arkansas, helping out the children who lived too far for traditional schooling. I liked it, knowing that I was doing something. But I was, just always tired. Sometimes I'd crash right after we dropped off the last kid, and stay asleep until the next morning. Rach started getting worried, but I just thought that it was the high altitude or something." He stopped and threw his gaze back down to his hands. "I didn't notice the weight loss, either, until I looked around and none of my clothes fit. But it was weird, because none of it phased me. It was like I was watching my own life pass me by."

"Yeah," Eric murmured in agreement.

"One day, though, we were supposed to pick up one of my students, and when we got to the house, his mom told me that he had died. None of us knew that he was sick, and we all were sad, but I took it really hard, I guess, because he had so much potential. And... I started doing odd things. Like, I'd be grading papers, and find myself crying. For no reason. And I just felt so sad all the time. I never smiled anymore, Rach tells me. So, she and Jon, that's the other guy we work with, decided that I needed some time off, to de-stress. So here I am." Jack looked up at Eric with a watery smile. "So, you must think I'm the worst loser now."

"No, I just think that you're just going through some rough things right now. And these last couple of years haven't been the easiest for you. Maybe it's just a delayed reaction to what you had to go through." Eric clasped Jack's shoulder gently, a little surprised at himself for reaching out and actually touching someone else without being prompted to.

Jack didn't seem to notice his surprise, and continued, "Well, I didn't want to go home, to deal with my parents' questions, so I told Rach that I was coming here." He stopped and looked back down at his hands. "But if you need me to go-"

"No, you're staying here, with us," Eric said firmly. "And maybe we can get you to eat!"

"Look who's talking," Jack pointed out. "Eric, you must have dropped around 30 pounds since the last time I saw you."

Eric shrugged. "It's not like I couldn't afford to, unlike you."

"Still..." Jack trailed off, and then said, forcibly trying to lighten the air, "So, what have you been up to? Still liking your job?"

"It's okay, I guess." 

"Anything new?"

Jack's innocent question sat in the air, and Eric had multiple responses float through his head before he shook his head. "Nothing special. You? I mean, is there anything new with you?"

"Um, yeah. But, I kinda need to do something first."

Eric took a look at Jack's serious face and accepted that. "Okay. Well, are you hungry?"

"Not really."

"Hey, I'm supposed to be taking care of you! So I'll just set out something, nothing big, 'kay?"

"If I eat, you do too."

"Deal."


	4. 4

4.

"Shawn, I have something to tell you," Jack announced one day.

"Wait. Coffee." Shawn poured himself some in an oversized mug, and then added a ton of sugar and cream. He drank about half of it before he said, "Okay, caffeine's kicking in. What?"

"It's about, well, why I came here instead of going home."

"Okay," Shawn said slowly. "I thought that you just didn't want to deal with your mom and stuff."

"That, but, plus, before I left for the Peace Corps, I came out to my parents."

Shawn sat stock still for a moment, then whooped for joy and ran for the phone. As he dialed, he did a little dance of celebration. "Hey, Angela!" he said happily. "We're even girl. Yeah, I know it's past midnight there, or I do now. Anyway, I just wanted you to know... yeah, seriously! No, I don't think so, at least not yet. 'Kay, love you, bye."

"You just called Angela internationally why?" Jack asked after Shawn returned to the table. 

"Because there was a bet, and I won, but she won first. So, we're even."

"Do I want to know?"

"Prolly not," Shawn said agreeably and got up from the table, still drinking his coffee. 


	5. 5

5.

"We're going out," Shawn said. 

"Who's we?" Eric asked. 

"Well, the young marrieds, me, Kat, and we're trying to convince Jack. You're invited too."

"Where?"

"There's this new club. Tay told me that it's like the hottest spot right now." Shawn stopped and waited for Eric's response.

"Okay with me," Eric replied slowly, his face thoughtful. "How far away is it from here?"

"Only a few blocks. So we can just walk home if it's too, um, boring," Shawn pointed out.

Eric sighed and got off of the couch. "I'll be ready in a few."

*****

The club was actually similar to the last one, enough that Eric immediately felt uncomfortable. He flagged down the bartender and drank two 7&7's before stepping away and going to find his friends. Shawn was already on the dance floor, with Kat. Eric didn't know that they were still seeing each other, but was glad for Shawn. 

He spotted Jack, sitting in a booth by himself, nursing something dark. He ordered another 7&7 before going over to join him. "Whatcha doing over here by your lonesome?" Eric asked casually, sitting down.

"Not really into the party scene. That's not a whisky sour."

Eric made a face involuntarily. "I don't drink those anymore." Even remembering that taste could make the bile rise in the back of his throat.

Jack looked like he was about to ask a question, but changed his mind and held his drink up to the light, such as it was. "I guess that's why I'm sticking to Coke. So, wanna dance?"

"I don't dance, either." Eric closed his eyes and tried not to let the well of emotions that came over him at that statement boil over. When he opened his eyes, Jack was looking at him, sadly. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that." He brushed a hand over his hair impatiently. "This isn't working. I'm heading back to the apartment. Wanna come?"

"Sure."

After saying their goodbyes, they walked out of the club and went home. When they got there, Eric sat Jack down on the couch. "I need to tell you some things, and I'm just drunk enough to tell you." When Jack opened his mouth to speak, Eric raised a warning hand. "Please, just let me."

Jack nodded and listened as Eric told him about his coming out to Shawn, and going to that club and having a great time, and having it end oh so wrongly. "And being there tonight, it was like, I felt that it could happen again. And I was so scared, and I was even more scared now, because I knew what would happen."

Jack was crying quietly by the time Eric finished, and he wiped his eyes carefully before touching Eric's hand. It wasn't a big touch that would have made Eric jump away, but it was full of comfort and promise. "I am so sorry. Sorry that I wasn't able to tell you how I felt before I left. Sorry that I wasn't here to protect you. Sorry that I can't go find this bastard and kill him for hurting you. But most of all, I'm sorry that I can't make it just go away for you."

"You're here," Eric told him. "It helps."

"Does anyone else know?"

"I think they suspect, but you're the only person that I've told outright."

"Do you want to tell them?"

"Truthfully? No. I don't want to tell Cory that I can't protect him from anything, because I couldn't even keep myself safe. I don't want to tell my parents anything, because they'll worry and there's nothing they can do anyway. And I don't want to talk about it, ever."

Jack nodded. After a beat, he outstretched his arms. Eric fell into them gratefully, letting the warmth of someone else penetrate his body willingly. As Jack held him, he felt the tears that had been burning inside of him fall down his cheeks. As he sat there, crying, he felt as if he was being washed from the inside, until he was shiny and clean again.


	6. 6

6.

Things did change, but gradually. Shawn spent less time at the apartment and more time with Kat, and gradually admitted that he was quite serious about her. At the same time, Eric and Jack's relationship shifted from friends to something a little more, even if neither of them was willing to admit to it. 

"So, what's the deal with you and Eric?" Shawn asked Jack one day.

Jack shrugged. "Nothing really. Why?"

"I'm not seeing the problem here. You're gay, he's gay, you two like each other- shouldn't you two be all over each other?" As Shawn spoke, he saw Jack's face pale. "He told you?"

Slowly, Jack nodded. Shawn waited, but Jack didn't say anything further. 

"Are you waiting on him?"

"Yes." Jack got up from the table before Shawn could ask any more questions.


	7. 7

7.

"I need help," Eric announced.

"With what?" Shawn asked distractedly, trying to study for a final.

"What's the group you're in?" Eric asked, without answering Shawn's question.

"What group?"

"The one you see on Saturdays."

"Oh, that group. SoA? You want to go there?"

"You said it helped you, right?" Eric murmured, still ignoring Shawn.

"Yeah, but, that's kinda for adult survivors of childhood abuse. I'm not sure how helpful that would be to you."

"Do they have other groups?"

"Yeah, um, hold on." Shawn got up from the table and came back with some brochures. "Here's one. SSA might be better for you."

"What does SSA stand for?"

"Survivors of Sexual Assault." 

Eric nodded. "Thanks."


	8. 8

8.

"So, we're moving forward," Eric said, looking out the window.

"Yes," Jack replied.

"Group is really helping me cope."

"Okay."

"And my leader said that I could maybe, try, um, exploring my feelings, with my partner."

"All right."

After a while, Eric turned away from the window and turned to face Jack, who was still standing patiently. "I... I want to try," he said quietly. "With you." He watched as Jack's eyes went from their usual hazel to a deep green. So very green, Eric marveled, even as Jack stepped toward him.

"Are you sure?" Jack asked just as quietly.

"Yeah."

They went into the bedroom, Jack making sure not to close the door. They sat on the bed, close but not touching, for long minutes. Finally, Eric reached out and took Jack's hand, feeling how solid, warm, real it felt.

Eventually, they fell back on the bed, feet still on the floor, holding hands. Eric's ever-present hypersensitivity lessened somewhat, as he just relaxed and felt Jack's warm presence.

Jack pulled his hand back and stood up with a little blush. "Um, I'm really enjoying this, but I. Um. Have to use the bathroom."

Eric nodded, and stood up himself. He gave Jack a sweet kiss. "Thanks," he whispered almost shyly.

"Anytime. Just not, now." Jack smiled before he walked out of the door.

Eric sat back down on the bed and smiled. For the first time in a long time, his heart was racing, and not because of fear. Well, maybe a little, but this was more of a good fear.

*****

Jack let him set the pace. Holding hands lead to kissing lead to touching, and it wasn't uncommon for them to share a bed now. And every day, Eric felt the piece of him that had been broken start to heal. It wouldn't mend exactly the same, but in some ways, it was stronger than it was. He was stronger.


	9. 9

9.

"So, we're going out," Shawn began.

"No," Jack and Eric replied automatically.

"No? You haven't even heard where we're going yet!"

"It's a club, correct?" Jack asked, making no attempt to move.

"Well, yeah, but it's different. See, there's this barber chair-"

"No thank you," Eric interrupted. "Appreciate the thought and all, but no."

"Well, if you change your mind..." Shawn scribbled down an address on a piece of paper. "See ya later."

"Have a good time," Jack said as Shawn went out the door, whistling.

"He took that pretty well," Eric commented.

"Yeah. I figure because it gives him more time alone with Kat."

"Well, that leaves us alone," Eric said after a pause.

"What ever shall we do?" Jack said dramatically.

"I have an idea." 

They ended up in their room, moving slowly, with no sense of urgency. As Jack fluttered soft kisses on Eric's cheeks, eyelids, nose, and finally, his lips, Eric said, "I'm ready."

"You're ready?"

"Yeah. It feels right."

"You can change your mind at any point," Jack pointed out quietly.

"Okay."

He didn't though, and at the end, when they lay there, together, Jack turned to him. "Are you alright?"

"Never better."


	10. 10

10.

"No, we can't come with you. We'll drive down a little later, okay? See you then. 'Bye." Eric hung up the phone and turned to Jack. "They're leaving now, so we can meet them down there. Is that okay?"

"Fine with me. Did you get everything?"

"Yeah."

They packed up the rental car and hit the road, not saying much, but concentrating on the destination. They arrived at the park an hour later.

"This is nice. Not too hot, not too cold," Jack commented.

"Hard to tell that's it's summer almost." Eric walked over to one of the empty picnic shelters and set some of the things he was carrying on a picnic table. "I'm going to do this fast, and then we can go." He set the outfit he had once been so proud of, the one made from the reddish material, on a barbeque grill and poured lighter fluid on it. "When I burn this, I'll release myself from the fear and continue to move forward. Thanks to you."

"You did this too, Eric. You helped me."

"We helped each other."

"Yeah, we did." They watched in silence as Eric threw the match on the clothes and sent them into flames. The clothes were consumed and turned into ashes in under a minute.

"Did that help?" Jack asked, as they were walking away.

"It didn't hurt," Eric replied honestly. "Like I said, though, I think you're what helped. You and your love."

Jack didn't say anything, just took Eric's hand as they walked away from the park.

As they got in the car, Jack said:

"I love you too."

END


End file.
